Tami Parker Other Duties as Assigned

Show Me Your Vampire


Lazy Vampires

I think one of the things that really bugs me about popular media portrayal of vampires is how often they seem to waste their time.

They’re immortal, right? Many of the popular ones are hundreds of years old. Yet when we meet them, they seem like teenagers or normal people, with no sign of having taken that most precious gift — unlimited time — and using it to better themselves.

And then I think to myself, “Heh, so they’re doing what most people do. Procrastinating. Not starting. Not finishing. Swinging from one day to the next watching Netflix or playing video games.”

Ouch, I says to myself. But I’m not wrong.


Perry and I have a shorthand communication tool that we used, based on an ancient Cracked article he sent me many moons ago.

“Making apples”

There’s nothing wrong with eating apples. With consuming media and entertainment. Heck, those who produce content would be nothing without fans.

But if you feel called or compelled to create. If you define yourself as a creator — a writer, an artist, a musician — there IS something wrong with never actually producing apples.

If I am not writing, I am not a writer.

There’s wiggle room in there, of course. But I’m sure as hell not fooling myself when I say I’m “thinking about writing” and weeks fly by without any actual wordcount happening. I know what I’m doing. I know that fear is what is keeping me from making apples. Hell, I even know how to conquer that fear — by giving it the swift kick in the teeth of sitting down and actually writing.

And yet.

Daydream Time

So I found myself judging vampires for their laziness and I want to ask yourself some questions.

If you knew you could live forever (and let’s be generous here and say that you won’t be murdered by monster hunters or turn into a bloodthirsty beast with no self control. Let’s assume this forever looks an awful lot like your today …. but maybe you’ve got ten million dollars starting capital to work with.

And why not, let’s go ahead and give you a hearty dollop of motivation. Your mental health issues? Gone. You have the energy and the stick-tuitiveness to enable you to actually take advantage of this opportunity.

You’re rich, healthy, and young forever as long as you don’t like … fall chest-first on a silver-tipped stake or something.

What do you do?

What do your days look like? Do you have a job? Start a company? Invent something? Learn to play the accordion? Finally take those yodeling lessons you’ve always yearned for?

Go ahead and daydream your perfect you. Mine can play multiple musical instruments. She writes novels and short stories and rides a horse like she was born on it. She speaks a dozen languages fluently enough to travel the world. She cooks and bakes and has a square-foot garden the size of a football field, filled with flowers and vegetables and trees and wild birds.

That’s what my vampire would be like.

Bringing it Back To Earth

Now that you know that. Now that you have painted this obviously impossible picture, because you don’t have enough years in your life to do all those things …

… are there any small steps you could make in your life now that would get you closer to those goals? Any portions of that picture that are more precious than others? Any piece of it worth being brave enough to take those steps?

Show Me Your Vampire

I’d love to know what your vampire looks like.

What big risks would you take if your success was guaranteed?

Are there any small risks you can take today?


  • It’s been awhile, but I remember chatting with someone (way back in my more religious days) and they were relating modern day vampire stories to existentialism (or maybe hedonism). I could probably remember and explain it decently enough to get the point across, but I stumbled on this comic instead: http://existentialcomics.com/comic/152.

    Depending on how old the vampire was, there are probably some givens. Being a polyglot would almost certainly happen. Unless you were really stubborn about it. In which case, you could be the one person in the world still speaking exclusively in middle-English (here’s an example of what a Chaucer-pyre might write http://www.librarius.com/canttran/gptrfs.htm).

    Personally, I’m having a difficult time with the thought exercise because I keep thinking about all the real-world concerns of a vampire. Even just an immortal person would be a tricky thing (you definitely don’t want to go to prison or get cement-shoed by some mob boss and dropped in the ocean). I think skills around those things would probably be my focus (combat, escaping, hiding, climbing, swimming, etc.). I’d probably just slowly hone those skills to start. When I’m past that, I think about the things I do now that I enjoy and compare them to whether vampire-me would really even want to do those things (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_76a5DQqVx8). Why cook if eating doesn’t satiate the soul of the damned? And that’s not really the point of the exercise.

    So, I’m sticking with getting staked by Kierkegaard. 😉

  • I do love Community. <3 Excellent reference usage.

    You're definitely right about basic survival being the first and most important goal -- even Minions took a stab at how easily a stupid mistake could kill a vampire.

    I, Zombie DID raise some additional thoughts with regards to monster cuisine, though. How boring would blood, blood, nothing but blood get after a while? Surely you'd NEED to become an expert at creative flavor and texture additions to liven things up!

Tami Parker Other Duties as Assigned