Tami Parker Other Duties as Assigned

Robot Vacuum


My old Robovac died last week, and the cat hair tumbleweeds are starting to get out of control. (RIP Kirby, you were beloved by all, even though you choked on cat toys and got stuck under the chair)

New Robovac is now sipping delicately upon her first prongful of go-juice. She has been shown the corpse of her predecessor so that she knows her place in this world, and I have set myself down to learn how to best use her abilities.

Her name, by the way, is Euphegenia¬†Doubtfire. Her brand is “eufy” so it seemed fitting.

ANYWAY, here’s the list of helpful illustrated warnings on her use.

a) Your robo vac will become frightened when exposed to its own dependence upon power cables. Never let it believe it is not as alive as you or I.

b) Your robovac will become enraged at the sight of tassles or any other fringe-based textiles. As too should you be. Why are you wearing a leather fringe? Give up the ghost, it will never look as good on you as it did in that sexy cowboy calendar you keep hidden in your closet. yes, we know about that.

c) Do not allow your robovac to hide under furniture. It will do so at every opportunity, and wallow in sadness and depression until it no longer works. Make sure your robovac has access to sunlight on a regular basis.

d) We repeat, do not allow your robovac to cry. This will invalidate its warranty

e) Do not let your robovac weigh itself. See rules 3 and 4.

f) Your robovac should be encouraged to explore healthy activities, such as the high dive at your local pool.

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Tami Parker Other Duties as Assigned