Tami Parker Fantasy Author & Other Duties as Assigned


Show Me Your Vampire


Lazy Vampires

I think one of the things that really bugs me about popular media portrayal of vampires is how often they seem to waste their time.

They’re immortal, right? Many of the popular ones are hundreds of years old. Yet when we meet them, they seem like teenagers or normal people, with no sign of having taken that most precious gift — unlimited time — and using it to better themselves.

And then I think to myself, “Heh, so they’re doing what most people do. Procrastinating. Not starting. Not finishing. Swinging from one day to the next watching Netflix or playing video games.”

Ouch, I says to myself. But I’m not wrong.


Perry and I have a shorthand communication tool that we used, based on an ancient Cracked article he sent me many moons ago.

“Making apples”

There’s nothing wrong with eating apples. With consuming media and entertainment. Heck, those who produce content would be nothing without fans.

But if you feel called or compelled to create. If you define yourself as a creator — a writer, an artist, a musician — there IS something wrong with never actually producing apples.

If I am not writing, I am not a writer.

There’s wiggle room in there, of course. But I’m sure as hell not fooling myself when I say I’m “thinking about writing” and weeks fly by without any actual wordcount happening. I know what I’m doing. I know that fear is what is keeping me from making apples. Hell, I even know how to conquer that fear — by giving it the swift kick in the teeth of sitting down and actually writing.

And yet.

Daydream Time

So I found myself judging vampires for their laziness and I want to ask yourself some questions.

If you knew you could live forever (and let’s be generous here and say that you won’t be murdered by monster hunters or turn into a bloodthirsty beast with no self control. Let’s assume this forever looks an awful lot like your today …. but maybe you’ve got ten million dollars starting capital to work with.

And why not, let’s go ahead and give you a hearty dollop of motivation. Your mental health issues? Gone. You have the energy and the stick-tuitiveness to enable you to actually take advantage of this opportunity.

You’re rich, healthy, and young forever as long as you don’t like … fall chest-first on a silver-tipped stake or something.

What do you do?

What do your days look like? Do you have a job? Start a company? Invent something? Learn to play the accordion? Finally take those yodeling lessons you’ve always yearned for?

Go ahead and daydream your perfect you. Mine can play multiple musical instruments. She writes novels and short stories and rides a horse like she was born on it. She speaks a dozen languages fluently enough to travel the world. She cooks and bakes and has a square-foot garden the size of a football field, filled with flowers and vegetables and trees and wild birds.

That’s what my vampire would be like.

Bringing it Back To Earth

Now that you know that. Now that you have painted this obviously impossible picture, because you don’t have enough years in your life to do all those things …

… are there any small steps you could make in your life now that would get you closer to those goals? Any portions of that picture that are more precious than others? Any piece of it worth being brave enough to take those steps?

Show Me Your Vampire

I’d love to know what your vampire looks like.

What big risks would you take if your success was guaranteed?

Are there any small risks you can take today?

Improving Tropes and Cliches


You know that thing? That situation you read over and over again, because it’s just so satisfying that authors can’t help to use it?

We all have those tropes we love no matter what.

But … but what if we inject some reality into that situation, eh?

Take, for instance, the handsome hero watching his beautiful heroine sleep. (after she completely consentually allowed him in her bed, mind you. Some tropes are toxic.)

Typically, it’s all very romantic. He admires the sweep of her hair, the brush of her eyelashes, the softness of her cheekbones. Whatever, you get the gist.

Well, I hate to break it to you? But I am a VERY active sleep-talker.

So the reality I would inject into that scene would probably involve me sitting bolt upright, staring directly at him, and telling him the avocados are safe. Potentially with a charming dash of me shrieking and slapping at the blankets because sleep-me thinks they’re filled with spiders.

(These are based on actual sleep-talking-Tami events, by the way. In no way fabricated, even the bit about the avocados).

I would love (lovelovelove) if anyone in the readership can think of a wonderful, beautiful trope … and slap some hilarious reality into it to give it a new spin.

“Only one bed, I guess we’ll have to share it” is even more exciting when paired with “Snores like a sailor and steals all the covers”.

“Love notes from a secret admirer” improves greatly when “he has such horrible handwriting that she spends her lunch hour with her besties trying to decipher his message.”

Lay it on me, I wanna hear them. <3

Making the Reader Care about Your Characters


Save the Cat

Most of you have heard the term “Save the Cat”, popularized by the excellent book by the same name — Save the Cat! by Blake Snyder.

“Save the Cat” refers to an early beat in a story outline where the main character does something that makes the audience like them. You can take a grouchy, mean, violent anti-hero of a main character and have them do something redeeming (saving a kitten from a tree, for example) early enough in the story, and suddenly you have the audience rooting for them and hoping they succeed.

It’s like a magic trick that keeps on working even after you explain the secret.

Make Me Care

Thing is, it’s not just about making the character do a good deed — it’s about making the reader CARE about them and what happens to them.

You may think that your character is plenty likable, and you don’t really need to worry about having the readers care because surely they will adore your character just as much as you do … but the truth of the matter is, even if you have the sweetest, kindest main character ever to grace the pages of a novel, you STILL have to do something that makes me care.

Maybe you’re lucky enough to get it by accident, but for those of you like me who want to have more of a deliberate approach to this sort of thing, let’s talk.

Why Should I Care About This Character?

Because just having your character save a cat when that has nothing to do with the theme or plot of your story … that’s going to fall flat, isn’t it?

So ask yourself — why do you (the author) like the character? What aspects of their personality really draw you to them? What habits do they have that you think the reader will like or care about?

Show those early. HIGHLIGHT those early.

Your character has an adorable nervous tic where she doodles in the margins of her papers when she’s listening to someone, but maybe it looks like she’s not paying attention at all? Show me that.

Your character is depressed and heartbroken and lonely and it seems like all is lost … but he comes home to build the most intricate tiny dollhouses in his spare time? Show me that.

Your character has crazy mood swings and speaks entirely in song lyrics? Show me that.

It sounds simple and silly, but it’s so easy to focus on pushing the story as fast as possible that you forget to tell me why I should care about this person. What makes THEM special.

Now That I Like Them …

More than that, now that you’ve got the groundwork for making me care about the character … show me what they want.

Show me the hole in their life.

Maybe they see it — someone looking for romance.

Maybe they don’t — someone who doesn’t realize how lonely they are.

It doesn’t matter if the character sees the hole as long as the reader can see it.

… Although if the character doesn’t see it, they still have to WANT something. Give them a goal. In most cases, they should have a plot-related goal, but maybe they have subplot-related goals, too.

I want to know what this character thinks they want (even if they don’t get it, or shouldn’t get it).

Get the Reader Asking Questions

Don’t underestimate the importance of having a character WANT something. Even something as silly and small as “I am thirsty, and thus want a glass of water” — that desire compels the character to DO something.

It forces action. If your character needs to be in the kitchen so that they meet up with the Genie-on-the-run who promises them three wishes in exchange for helping them get out from under the heels of their current master … don’t have your character go to the kitchen for no reason. Have them be thirsty.

It’s a small thing, but it’s huge in relation to the impact on the reader. It starts us asking questions — even tiny ones — like “will he get the water?”

And the moment we ask ourselves questions about what will happen, we’re already half-hooked on turning the page to find the answer.

Your Turn

What are some of your favorite stories (book/tv/movie/whatever) that have great early character moments that made you fall in love with them? What are some examples of it being done right?

Finish the Story: Darkness


Join in for a lighthearted, no-pressure writing prompt. Leave your perfectionist at the door and follow a dangling story thread to see where it leads you.

I always post my story doodle in the comments, and I’d absolutely love to see yours as well if you feel comfortable sharing it!

The darkness was thick and suffocating, like a heavy blanket had been thrown on the world. He had to get over the wall, had to get across the border before …

Finding Happily Ever After


Writing Prompts

Perry and I have been doodling together with the writing prompts I’ve been posting here on the board (you can typically find both of our entries in the comments for them).

In doing so, we’ve found some really interesting parallels in our writing. Our stories tend to be similar in tone or content, even with just a few scant sentences as a seed.

My theory is that this is because we both have a similar sense of “twist” but that’s not why we are here.


We’re here because we both agreed that some prompts WANTED to lead both of us down the path of grimdark.

And we both let it … but my stories tended to end with hope and brightness.

Maybe not a fairy tale Happily Ever After, but the sort of ending that I require in stories that I like to read.

(Both Perry and Faith can attest that I have a very low grimdark threshold)

He asked me how I did it, and until that point I’d never really thought of it, but the conversation has stuck in my head since then.

Where to End It

The answer was simple.

I push past the bad until I find the good on the other side of it.

You cannot have a story without the bad, and the most impactful stories often have very very bad indeed. I remember reading the Arrows of Valdemar series and just absolutely sobbing at the third book — and yet it has remained one of my all-time favorites. Not because it ignored the bad, but rather because it acknowledged the bad unflinchingly and promised light on the other side.

I’ve been listening to the elemental genre episodes of the Writing Excuses podcast and I had a related epiphany.

Horror ends in that grimdark most of the time. It takes you on a journey, stares into the eyes of gut-twisting dread, then leaves you there.

The stories that I write will look past that horrible and thus end up more likely being adventure with a sprinkling of mystery or romance.

SPOILERS AHOY – The Midnight Meat Train by Clive Barker.

A horror story such as The Midnight Meat Train follows a detective as he chases down a serial killer in the subways and just as he succeeds in that goal, he learns that the killer has been feeding horrible monsters that live beneath the earth, and now he either needs to continue feeding them or see the world befall a far worse fate.

The story DROPS you there, with that (wonderful, incredible) horrible twist. That feeling of something bad not only happening, but being worse than it was before.

Not all Horror follows this pattern, of course, but it is a common theme to see that the heroes do not, in fact, succeed in staving off the bad.

My story set in this world would probably take place AFTER the monsters irreparably damaged the world. Perhaps humanity has splintered off into post-apocalyptic tribes and our heroes trudge forth to defeat a monster. Or heck, maybe not defeat them at all, and simply have them as A Thing In The Background.

It doesn’t really matter where I would write it — the difference is that the horror story ends on a stunning note … which is not where I would end my story.

No “Happily Ever After” stays that way in my mind. The only thing that stays the same is that everything changes.

But in stories? I want to stop it at a point where the reader feels good about what has happened. Maybe not all of it, and hopefully it ended with events that surprise the reader, but I intend to evoke a solid, good feeling.


I think this whole thing is rather magical.

You, the writer, are deciding SO much about the story that you’re writing.

What you focus on, what language you use, and where you end it can determine everything from tone to freaking genre.

The same story in the hands of different authors has the potential to be almost indistinguishable.

And that is awesome. It makes me feel powerful.

And I hope it makes you feel powerful too. <3

Finish The Story – UFO


Join in for a lighthearted, no-pressure writing prompt. Leave your perfectionist at the door and follow a dangling story thread to see where it leads you.

I always post my story doodle in the comments, and I’d absolutely love to see yours as well if you feel comfortable sharing it!

It flashed through the sky and then it was gone. Lucy was sure she had seen a UFO and was equally sure aliens were here to secretly make contact with a human being. Maybe they would choose her. Maybe she would get to visit their ship. Maybe …

Spinoff Daydreaming – Great British Bake Off


No Soggy Bottoms Here

It’s no secret that I adore the Great British Bake Off (or Great British Baking Show, depending on where you’re watching it).

Multiple seasons are now available on Netflix and I absolutely cannot recommend them strongly enough if you are even remotely interested in baking. Despite being a reality show and a contest, it is overwhelmingly British. Everyone is oh-so-polite and there’s none of the underhanded snarky drama that so infests American reality TV.

It’s The Best. Period.

Moving past my general fangirling, I’d like to talk about two different “spinoffs” I’ve been having fun playing with mentally.


The Show’s Format

The format of the show is simple.

Start with a baker’s dozen contestants. Each show eliminates one (or two, or none, at the discretion of the judges) person based on their performance during that weekend. The show culminates with the three top-performing bakers facing off in the final episode, where the Champion is awarded an engraved glass cake stand.

Each weekend consists of three bakes.

The Signature Challenge

The first is called a “Signature Challenge”. The contestants are told ahead of time exactly what they are to produce and what the criteria is.

An example would be to make a swiss roll to be judged on both appearance and taste. Critical components are a sponge (cake, for the uninitiated), jam filling, and frosting).

The contestants create THEIR version of this bake. So one person might do a raspberry and white chocolate swiss roll with decorative dots baked into the sponge, while another might go chai spiced with milk chocolate decorative shards.

(As a side note, it’s great fun to pause the show and share what flavors and elements you might use if you were one of the bakers.)

The Technical Challenge

Here, the bakers are surprised with a slimmed-down recipe for something they’re unlikely to have baked before.

The recipe is partially incomplete, leaving out the sorts of things that the judges expect the bakers to be able to guess or intuit based on experience and personal judgement.

For example, the entire list of ingredients may be provided, as well as a baking temperature, but the length of time the item should be in the oven is often omitted.

In the show, this is where much of the hilarious (and sometimes tear-jerking) mistakes are made.

The Showstopper Challenge

The final bake is the Showstopper Challenge. Like the Signature Challenge, the bakers know ahead of time what they’ll be expected to bake and the sorts of things that are expected (a black forest cake without chocolate or cherries is no sort of black forest cake, after all.)

Beyond that, it is much the same as the Signature Challenge, but on a much grander scale. Here, the visual appeal is even more pronounced. The judges want to be WOWed by what they’re offered — and the challenge is often far more complex as well.

The Other Elements That Make It Work

The show is much more than just the base format. The tone of guidance and honest feedback permeates the entire show.

Two comedic hosts assist the judges — since they’re impartial, they can chat with each baker, help them plate bakes, offer time checks, and do an awful lot of comforting and hugging when things just don’t go quite to plan.

That’s not even mentioning the music, gorgeous food cinematography, and wonderful bake diagram art, of course, but I’m already rambling in this silly blog post and I haven’t even gotten to the fun part!

Okay, now that we’ve gone through all that, let’s have some fun with the random spinoffs I’ve been entertaining!

The Great Worldwide Writing Competition

Naturally, the first spinoff is about writing.

Can you imagine a Writing Competition with a similar setup?

It wouldn’t work for novels, but for flash and short fiction? MAYBE.

Two Judges from different writing backgrounds — get as much crossover work as possible. Romance, Fantasy, Sci-Fi, Thriller, Short Fiction, Script Writing, YA, Picture Books … the whole shebazzle.

The Signature Challenge

First, our writers are asked to write a piece of flash fiction. This week, they’re asked to produce a young adult piece that incorporates humor and horror and includes three keywords: shiver, flower, and peanut. The stories must be no more than 1500 words long.

The writing begins strongly, because each author came prepared with a concept ahead of time. Halfway through, one author begins crying because he just doesn’t know how to make a peanut funny. Two other authors help each other by suggesting character archetypes.

The judges are tough but fair. The crying writer is told that the use of “peanut” was exemplary, but that they could have worked more on foreshadowing to really add punch to the twist.

The Technical Challenge

Here, they’re asked to critique a submitted fantasy short story.

One author is admonished for the sheer volume of their edits, and told that they weren’t supposed to rewrite the piece. Another author is horrified to realize they mistakenly corrected all of the author’s italics to double quotes without realizing they were intended to be mental communication.

The Showstopper Challenge

Instead of dictating a genre, each author is allowed to choose their own. They are, however, provided with two different character archetypes and a theme that they must adhere to.  Short stories are evaluated on length (no more than 6,000 words), grammar, characterization, and overall enjoyment.

One author’s second-person POV piece is critiqued as a brave effort, but ultimately it did not serve the story and caused the overall enjoyment to be lessened. Another author turned one of the provided archetypes into an unreliable narrator, much to the delight of the judges.

At the end of the weekend, the judges award Star Writer to the author whose overall performance throughout all three pieces was most impressive.

The Second Spinoff

This one is more hilariously crazy, but Steven liked the idea and made me promise to blog about it.

What if … your favorite TV show had a single episode of their own version of the Bake Off?

Our example show was The Mighty Boosh.

Howard and Vince as judges (Howard pretends to have vast technical knowledge of everything and is known for measuring the crumb structure of a bake). Vince refuses to swallow any food because he can’t afford the calories, but praises the most wild and unreasonable decoration with fervor.

Bob Fossil is one of the contestants. He constantly rages and cries and tries to undermine the other bakers.

Naboo starts out strong but bakes so much marijuana into his bakes that he can’t function by the time the third bake happens.

Tony Harrison can’t reach anything and complains nonstop.

Saboo, Old Gregg, The Hitcher, Bollo are also contestants.

The Moon and Dennis are the hosts. Everyone hates The Moon.

Why Stop There?

This is a ton of fun to do with almost every show. Steven Universe? Steven and Connie as judges, and all the gems baking crazy things? Yes please. I’d watch that.

Bones? Castle? SHERLOCK?

It’s really all a win-win situation here.

If you have a good fandom that you could see being hella fun in this format, I’d love to hear about it! The more details, the better!

7 Point Plot Structure


Credit Where Due

Yay, a writing craft post!

So -I- heard about this from the Writing Excuses podcast (which I strongly recommend as audio fodder during commutes).

Dan Wells, the host who is well-known for introducing it, credits the Star Trek RPG Narrator’s Guide for it.

I used this nice article from The Gryphon Clerks for a goodly chunk of my research.


Most of this is going to sound super duper familiar to you writer types out there, so instead of laying it out in story-chronological order (which is very easy to find) I’m going to lay it out as if we’re planning a story together.

Sound like fun? OF COURSE IT DOES!

Feel free to ignore my silly example and insert a story you’re currently working (or in my case struggling) with.


This method will make Plotters happy. Pantsers will probably scoff and do a trendy hair-flip move. Maybe even a z-snap. That’s totally fine. Do what works for YOU, not what you hear other people preaching.

That being said, I’m a Plotter through and through. Also, researching things and trying new techniques makes may happy centers light up with fireworks.

Step 1: Resolution

Yup. We are going to start at the end.

In what state does your story end?

Think plot. Think character. Think state or action.

My random example will be … um …

Resolution: Princess Pepper defeats Princess Petunia in the Princess Academy Baking Competition.

… You didn’t really expect anything else from me, did you? Nope, I didn’t think so. Moving on.

Step 2: Hook

Yay, bouncing around. Aaaallll the way back to the beginning.

So, now that you know where you’re going, let’s figure out where you start.

The key here is to base this on your ending state. If your character ends powerful, maybe they start weak (a character growth arc).  Or if they start out being strong already, maybe they become a different kind of strong by the end (a character shift arc).

Whatever it is, you should see significant change between the resolution and the hook.

Hook:  Pauper Pepper Drudges in a Dreary Inn.

Step 3: Midpoint

The “midpoint” is the BIG shift in the storytelling. The main character goes from reacting to things to making a conscious decision to be active.

Midpoint: Princess Pepper Enters the Princess Academy Baking Competition.

Step 4: Plot Turn 1

I like the term “Plot Turn” more than “Plot Point” because it’s more descriptive. It’s not just a clue, it’s something that actively changes the story.

Let’s take a step back, chronologically speaking. This happens after the Hook but before the Midpoint. (don’t worry, I’ll lay out the chronological order at the bottom of the blog post)

Plot Turn 1 is when something changes that puts things in motion. New ideas. New people. This is the Call To Adventure. In other writing guides, I’d probably call this the Inciting Incident.

Plot Turn 1: Fairy Fernando Informs Pauper Pepper Of her Princesstude and Whisks Her Away to the Princess Academy For Training.

Step 5: Plot Turn 2

Zooming right past the Midpoint, let’s look at the second big plot turn.

This is the moment the character receives that last and oh-so-important THING they need in order to create the resolution.

In a mystery, maybe it’s the final clue that leads them to the real villain. In an adventure, maybe it’s the final magical thingamabooby needed to defeat the villain. In a romance, maybe it’s the realization that he loved her all along.

Plot Turn 2: Princess Pepper Finds the Magic Spell Necessary to Grow the Elusive Eisenberry To Use In Her Prizewinning Pie.

Step 6: Pinch Point 1

*scoots you all back to the first half of the book*

Pinch Point 1 happens after Plot Turn 1 but BEFORE the Midpoint.

Something goes wrong that forces the character to solve a problem.

Smart writers will realize this is a great way to get the villain involved early! (And we are all smart writers here). Don’t just have some random thing go wrong — see if you can make it a direct influence of your villain.

Pinch Point 1: Princess Petunia Replaces Princess Pepper’s Sweet Cherries with Sour CherryBombs, Causing Princess Pepper to Become Unpopular.

(Look, I realize this is getitng nutty, but I’ve come this far and I’m not backing out of my ridiculous, off-the-cuff example NOW.)

Step 7: Pinch Point 2

You’ll be happy to note this is the final step.

Chronology-wise, this is after the midpoint but before the second Plot Turn.

Something goes VERY wrong. (Much more so than in Pinch 1). These are the jaws of defeat from which victory must be grasped. I lovingly know this story beat as “The Darkest Night”. Things look their worst.

Mentors die or vanish. Allies prove unreliable. Plans fail.

(Again, this should be directly related to the villain.)

Pinch Point 2: Princess Petunia Blackmails Prince Paulie Into Sabotaging Princess Pepper’s Baking Stove, Even Though Pepper is His Best Friend.

Chronological Order

From the reader’s perspective, the events unfold thusly:

  1. Hook
  2. Plot Point 1
  3. Pinch Point 1
  4. Midpoint
  5. Pinch Point 2
  6. Plot Point 2
  7. Resolution

Our silly story, put together in order, looks a little something like this:

  1. Pauper Pepper Drudges in a Dreary Inn.
  2. Fairy Fernando Informs Pauper Pepper Of her Princesstude and Whisks Her Away to the Princess Academy For Training.
  3. Princess Petunia Replaces Princess Pepper’s Sweet Cherries with Sour CherryBombs, Causing Princess Pepper to Become Unpopular.
  4. Princess Pepper Enters the Princess Academy Baking Competition.
  5. Princess Petunia Blackmails Prince Paulie Into Sabotaging Princess Pepper’s Baking Stove, Even Though Pepper is His Best Friend.
  6. Princess Pepper Finds the Magic Spell Necessary to Grow the Elusive Eisenberry To Use In Her Prizewinning Pie.
  7. Princess Pepper defeats Princess Petunia in the Princess Academy Baking Competition.

Why Plot Them Out of Order?

For me, outlining and plotting is all about tentpoles. The Hook depends on the Resolution. The midpoint is determined by both the Hook and the Resolution.

And not until those three pillars are up can I figure out what all the stuff in the middle is.

Granted, this was a silly example, but while I wrote it I also found out who my villain was and who two side characters (Prince Paulie and Fairy Fernando) are. I don’t know how Pepper finds that magic spell or what an Eisenberry is, but I DO know that I need to figure that stuff out now and figure out where else to sprinkle it through the book.

Plots and Subplots

The fun thing is that you can use this same structure to make sure you have these points for each of your subplots.

So sure, maybe the main plotline revolves around that baking competition, but Pepper’s friendship with Paulie could also use those same ups and downs in storytelling. I’ve already intertwined the Second Plot Turn for both subplots (which is a neat trick and you should use it as often as you can).

Your turn!

If you’re interested, try it out! See if it works for you.

And let me know your results, I’d love to know if it was helpful!

I’m also curious if you have other types of plotting mechanisms (Save the Cat, Jami Gold, The Snowflake Method, and Larry Brooks are well-known resources I also use)

Finish the Story – Fate or a Stupid Decision


Join in for a lighthearted, no-pressure writing prompt. Leave your perfectionist at the door and follow a dangling story thread to see where it leads you.

I always post my story doodle in the comments, and I’d absolutely love to see yours as well if you feel comfortable sharing it!

Looking back, it could have gone either way. It didn’t work out, which makes it look like fate, or a stupid decision, or both. But at the time, I did have a few things in my favor. I had …

Finish the Story – Running Away


As always, beware the comments section if you plan on writing something, so as to avoid being influenced.

I look forward to seeing your responses!


The yellow lines on the highway sped by in a blur, and we flew through the night, and we felt free. But we weren’t, and we knew it. We were running away from something, and running away was never the path to freedom. I thought about asking John to turn back. I thought about suggesting …

Tami Parker Fantasy Author & Other Duties as Assigned

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